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Since I was in junior high, I remembered feeling different from the others. I was a few pounds more than the average ten year old. Can you imagine I had self esteem issues at such a tender age? I felt left out when the boys had crushes on all my friends but me, I wondered what was wrong with me. I think at that point was when a very long journey of struggling with my weight, and learning how to love myself began.
As I moved on to high school, I gained the nickname, big breasts. I even got into fights because it got to the point where the names were becoming hurtful and embarrassing. After the ninth grade I switched schools and still kept the same nicknames. I remembered one main fight which I had with a girl who constantly called me names, and as a result got suspended. I think at this point, was when my parents got involved and realized that I had a major issue with my weight. I vaguely remember searching through the newspaper looking for weight loss programs, and secretly making calls, I was between the age of 13 and 14.
In addition to the name calling that I endured at school, I also faced it outside of school with family members. I can still remember the famous line, Look at how fat you get! which have always changed my mood. I felt low, and like I was not good enough because I was not like my other cousins who were slim. You would think that the place where you are guaranteed to get comfort from what happens on the outside is home with family, but that is not always the case. They do not know how much they hurt a child by saying these things, and it stick with that child for years. I was so desperate then to change my appearance, to be slim like the others to fit in. Between the age of 15 and 16, I started an unhealthy diet. Being excited about it I told by friends about it, but their response was negative, they said stupid things like I would not look attractive slim. Nevertheless, I pushed on and successfully lost the weight, I transitioned from 180 to 150 pounds. I felt great about myself, and felt good that guys looked at me for once in my life. It confirmed that when a guy looked at me, it meant I looked good. As a result of this I had unhealthy relationships with men.
This was about ten years ago, I am now twenty six years old and weigh 165 pounds, which I am most content about. Late last year I weighed about 180 pounds, I did not realize that I have lost weight until people made comments that I have lost some weight. My clothes were fitting a little loose but I was so caught up in school and my job that I did not realize I was loosing the weight, I thought my clothes are getting stretched out, and worn out.
I still struggle daily with my weight. It goes up and down from time to time. Sometimes I feel like I am exhausted worrying daily what I should not have eaten. I struggle with myself mentally whether I should give in to a craving or not. I worry daily that I am gaining weight, that I can not fit in to clothes that I would like to purchase that I would have to face the name calling, or smart comments, that I would not look sexy anymore. This is my daily struggle, and I believe a struggle of a lifetime unless I learn discipline.
Author: Kyla Vialva
Present Location: Trinidad and Tobago
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